Did I Really Just Say That?

Today, I walked into the restroom at work and looked into the mirror and my mind shot a thought back at me that I immediately subconsciously dropped my jaw at.As I was admiring how I liked how my hair dried curly-ish and not frizzy, it was as if I slapped myself.

“You’d actually be pretty if you wore makeup today.”

Suddenly it was like the other side of my brain shouted back “WHAT THE EFF?!”

It’s like I’m having a war within myself. The one where you conform to how a woman/lady should look based on the common norm or magazine cover with make up done and hair just perfect and clothes that fall just right and the one where it shouldn’t matter what you wear on your face because it’s essentially just paint that you’re using to hide your natural prettiness.

Honestly, I wish the whole thing around makeup would just go away. It doesn’t matter how good someone looks if their attitude is crappy and mean. You can talk to someone who has the perfect hair and makeup, but if they act like a witch, they look like one too.

So you know what? I don’t care if I wear makeup. I don’t care if I’m not the prettiest thing in town because I don’t wear it every day. I am who I am. Freckles, wrinkles, dark circles, and scars. And if you think someone has to wear makeup to be pretty, then you’re looking at the wrong part of them.

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Just Breathe

This post has nothing to do with diabetes. In fact, it’s one I’ve debating on sharing, but I’m choosing to do so anyway.

Divorce was one of those things taught to us that, as Christians, you could not break that vow to God unless one had cheated on the other and the marriage couldn’t be rectified or one was abusive. I can even remember a conversation my sister and I had after our parents had a fight: We were in the back yard with a bottle or a can trying to see who could destroy it the best, shouting the words “Oh yeah, well, if mom and dad ever split/got a divorce / etc, then I’d be this mad!” and *crush* the can or bottle. I didn’t realize just how true that feeling was until now.

When my parents divorced recently, it was as if my entire foundation was crumbling right before me and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. My parents’ separation and divorce was not amicable, thus causing a lot of tension around the subject for anyone who was close to it. As a grown 20-something woman who was married  and had a family of her own, I thought I could handle it. With all the crap that diabetes has always thrown me over the years, the one thing I could rely on being the same was family, and that even through the divorce, we were still family, so I thought I was okay. As time passes, I realize that I couldn’t and haven’t handled it.  In one year after my parent’s divorce, my dad was seeing someone and a year later he’s set to be remarried…actually, one month from today. Oh, and my mom has already been remarried for some time now. I was okay with the divorce, until new people entered the picture. My head hasn’t stopped spinning since.

As an adult, I know that I really don’t have a say in anything that goes on with either of them. They are no longer responsible for me, and technically, I was never responsible for them. But there are times, I feel as if I’m a kid who has lost everything. More than stick, brick, nails and shingles of a home (which, btw, is no longer my house that I grew up in.. I’ll never be able to take him there and let him see the room that mom grew up in, or show him his uncle’s footprint from when he was two years old and he propped his dirty foot on my bedroom wall and I never cleaned it off, or let him climb the tree I used to climb when I was a kid), I’ve lost the sense of foundation that I felt my life was built on. And, partly, I feel like my childhood was a lie.

As my dad’s wedding date approaches, I am becoming more and more anxious about these changes. Everything just seems to be happening so fast that I cannot wrap my head around it. It’s causing more and more panic attacks. I try to ignore my feelings, but the more I do, the worse they come to the surface. It happened again last night at my dad’s birthday/ meet’n-greet (yeah, it’s been two years and we are JUST now meeting her kids…a month before the wedding…. not going into that one). My heart went from “0-to-60” as it were, the room started spinning, and I started to black out. I thought it I moved around, I would be okay, but I wasn’t. We had to leave. I want everything to slow down to my mind can wrap itself around and I can accept these huge changes. But it’s not, and I don’t know how to handle them.

Until then, I’m learning to just breathe.

 

There’s Still Good In The World

I rarely check an old email address that I have, but yesterday, I opened it. I don’t know why, I just did. There, sitting in my inbox as the second email from the top was an email with a subject of “Baggage Tag Recovery”. I started not to open it thinking, “oh wow, these spammers have gotten creative here”. But something about the email address it was from made me rethink my decision. So, hesitantly (and prayerfully, might I add – all I needed was a virus on my computer) I opened it up…

Hi Sarah, I work for TSA, and was on the ramp yesterday and found your bag tag. Normally they are left there to be thrown away, but I saw yours was unique [see attachment] and picked it up. Would you like for me to mail it back to you? By the way, I really enjoy your blog…you’ve posted a lot of great information!

Take Care;

Still.. I was scared. There was no way my bag tag could have ended up at the airport in which he said he was from. But then, I saw the attachment…

bag tag

I couldn’t believe it. My mouth literally dropped. Apparently, when Erik had gone out of town last month for a business trip, he left my bag tag on the luggage that had my blog business card in it! That tag is special to me because it was one my sister-in-law gave me a few years ago for my birthday.

I’m thankful that there are still nice, considerate people out there in the world. The TSA agent is mailing it back to me tomorrow. I hope he has a return address that I can send a formal “Thank you” to.

15

Baby, today, you’re 15 months old! Wow! I know I haven’t written a letter since your birthday, but I thought maybe I could just stick to the milestones now.

You’re trying to feed yourself. What gives, mom? I’ve BEEN doing that! Yes, but you haven’t been using utensils. As a matter of fact, you utterly refused to use them. Now? You’re spearing those chicken pieces like they’re nothing. We’re still working on a spoon with your oatmeal though. While you’re incredibly cute when you’re incredibly messy… cleaning up the entire dining room is sorta getting old. Your dad has been such a good sport in doing it while I give you your bath, but we really need to work on that. You’ll get it though, in your own time… just like everything else.

Like mobility. You waited months longer than most babies to crawl. We worried about it then, and now? You’re a speed-demon around the house. Oh and chasing you is SOOO much fun! You giggle and laugh while run-crawling and periodically stop to look behind to make sure I’m still coming after you. Little times like that fill my heart with so much love and joy, I think it could burst. But now, you’re getting adventurous… or we’re trying to push you to be. You’ve been content to crawl around, even stand up and walk along as long as you have something to hold on to. But walking independantly? Well, that’s been a no-go for a few months now…. until this past week:

 

This is the third time you’ve taken steps. And right after this, your dad came home, and you took THREE whole steps without wobbling or anything! You’re doing such a great job!

Other things are that you’re saying “mama” and “dada” more clearly, as well as trying to say a few other things. But don’t worry – you can certainly get your point across when needed.

You’re continuing to grow by leaps and bounds. And I am SO looking forward to what it’s going to be like to decorate the house for Christmas this year! I’m sure I’ll have redecorated the house a bazillion times before Santa arrives. Until then, we’ll just keep watching you grow and enjoy every second of it.

I love you, sugarbear. <3

Love, Mommy

What’s New Monday No. 2

 Today is edition number two of my new What’s New Monday. What’s new with me?

For starters… Kip is taking steps two-by-two… and on one occasion, he was daring and took three! He still crawls around mostly because it’s his fastest mode of transportation at the moment, but you can see he’s trying to get comfortable with the idea of walking. He’s such a cautious child! And the weather is so awesome right now for the most part, and he’s more apt to try standing and walking while we’re outside, so I’m sure we’ll be spending lots of time out there.

Erik and I celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary this past Saturday. While it wasn’t the greatest of days and there’s so much I wish I could have changed, Erik made Sunday a special day by taking us to the beach to walk on the shore and then eat at our favorite restaurant. Kip loved seeing the water again… and in fact, tried to go towards it again like summer days. It was just the three of us. I know – anniversary dates are supposed to be for the parents… the mom and dad… but right now, Kip is still little and hasn’t hit the full-on toddler stage, so it’s not that big of a deal to bring him. In fact, I’d rather it be that way.

On the diabetes front – I’m still working on things. I’m still taking a lot of Ginger’s advice and working into my life (I’m a slow learner, it seems). I’ve not been dedicated to being gluten-free, and I pay the price for it.  I’ll learn one day, I guess. I’m hard-headded and some things take a while.

I received a surprise package Friday at lunch from Minimed:

It’s the new Bayer Contour Next Link meter that works with the pump the way that the other link meters have. I’ve been trying it out all weekend, and I’ll have to say, it’s pretty spiffy! I have some pros and cons of the system, but overall, it’s really nice. I would have loved to have had this one instead of the One-Touch meters. But, I have a whole separate post planned for this little baby.

And, just as I was writing this post, another unexpected present came:

Upon first review, I’m just not happy about it. It’s a hard plastic case with no bumper for shock-absorption if you were to drop it. I’m clumsy, and having that is a must for me. Also, it’s made my screen-protector peel up on the side and top. Also, I’m not sure how much I’ll be using it since I don’t use the iBG-Star that much anymore (another post on that later). I may do a give-a-way later. We’ll see.

I’ve also been making a huge decision. One that I’m sure I have irritated my best friend and my husband about for the past few weeks. With my friend being a diabetic and my husband being a techy geek man, I’ve been throwing both of them for loops about the differences between Minimed’s Revel and Animas’ Ping system, and their upcoming (pending FDA approval) pumps – the Veo and Vibe, respectively.  One day I’ll be completely one way, the next, I’ll the the other. Some days I’m leaning the fence both ways. It’s like trying to decide between an Apple product and an Android product.

Anyway, more on those topics later. That’s just what’s new this Monday for me. What about you?

Happy

There’s not much I want or have to say today as I’m making a lot of decisions and choices about my diabetes care and what devices I’m going to use to best control it in the upcoming years in relation to what I can afford (deeep breath), so… without bogging you down with the worries of my mind, I’ll leave you with 2 cute pictures for this Friday:

Pulling the pumpkin’s “hair”

What’s New Monday No.1

So… I have an inner dork alongside of my inner geek. Today, I’m going completely giddy over having to purchase index cards for flash-cards for my Medical Terminology course. I just cannot explain just how excited I am. I don’t even know why… But I am.

Also, I’m back to using my Verio IQ. I turned off the pattern alerts and tagging ability and I actually like it more without all of that turned on. Just prick, test, go. I use my Dexcom graph to analyze my data more than my meter reports anyway, so I just don’t have a need to tag them.

So, that’s what’s new. What’s new with you? 🙂

Nerves and Anxiety

I’ve always had a ‘problem’ with anxiety and nervousness. The first time it really phased me was my first drive to Charleston on my own for a doctor’s appointment. I was really nervous about the whole thing anyway, but my parents both had to work and couldn’t get off to go with me, so I had the directions and had already been down there tons of times, so I felt pretty confident that I could drive myself. It was just the actual driving that scared the bleepedy-bleep out of me.

When I got to the city, it started looking cloudy. Just as I was getting to the part where I had to go over a few over-passes, it began to POUR rain. So much that I couldn’t see. I panicked. I had to pull over into the emergency lane just to be able to sit and catch my breath again. I shook for a few hours after that. I tried to tell my endo when I got there what had happened, but they just laughed it off like it was not a big deal. Which, I guess to them, it wasn’t.

Since that incident, things that bother me… really bother me. It’s like my body goes into a panic over any situation I’m uncomfortable with. Before Erik and I were married, I finally had enough of the whole “wedding planning” at one point and the nerves and the panic attacks that no one knew about and I saw my doctor, who put me on Lexapro. Things got better and I could handle situations better.

Fast-forward a bit. I had been taken off of the Lexapro after about a year, and honestly, I didn’t feel that I needed it any longer. Somehow, I felt that I had learned to how to deal with anxiety and how to work through things to avoid the panic attacks. That all changed when I had Kip.

Now, the panic attacks are back. I completely freak out if he’s not with me. My mind plays tricks and makes me think the worst in any situation. There are times when I am at work and I think of all the things that can happen before I can pick him up and it scares me. The feelings overwhelm me at times and I have to get up and walk to the back of the office to “talk” to myself and calm myself down. Something as simple as a cloud coming up from the side of town where the daycare is can, at times, send me into full-on freakout-internally-mode. And even when we have to leave him with family to go do whatever it is we have to do, I’m in a rush to get back because I’m in panic mode that something is going to happen.

This week, school started back for me. Wednesday, I logged into my online class, looked around, and I ended up getting shaky again. I tried to make my schedule out for the next week or so and I had to stop. It’s not a big deal now, as I’ve scheduled things through the middle of October now, but something inside just went haywire for a while on Wednesday.

I don’t know why this happens. I can sometimes “get a hold of myself”, and others I just have to wait until it passes. I have thought a lot recently of asking my doctor if I could use Lexapro again, but with all of the side effects and birth defects that can happen (No, I’m not pregnant, but I do hope to have another child, and I don’t want to be on anything when I am pregnant again), I don’t know if I want to take that risk. Honestly, I think I need to just have someone to help me figure out things and techniques to help me work through these times on my own.

I just don’t know where to begin to look.

The Big ONE

ONE.

The big one.

ONE year old.

That’s twelve months…. 52 weeks…. 365 days….. 8760 hours….

My sweet, adorable, loveable munchkin, you are ONE year old.

This past month, I have been remembering our steps up until this day exactly one year ago. From the agonizing swelling that made my feet look like marshmallows to all the way to the Friday before you were born when I was called in to the hospital for an emergency visit because my platelet count had dropped so dangerously low. All of those nights of not being able to sleep comfortably anywhere in the entire house come flooding back, along with the pain and fear of each contraction. The rush of the day before when we had the final visit to the OB’s office where they said they would admit me THAT night, and we had only three hours to get our stuff in order and be back at the hospital. The nerves that surrounded your dad and I to know that when we would return, we would have you in tow, separately… outside of me…

And, boy, have our worlds changed. You have grabbed us both by the heart strings and held on tight. Every move you make, every sound you utter, every smile that crosses your face grows our hearts to sizes we never knew possible. Every whine, whimper, cry, and pain you have felt has broken our growing hearts as well, but I know that it’s all a part of loving you and taking care of you and growing with you.

As for this month, you’re becoming more adventurous. You haven’t walked on your own, but you are a champ at pulling up and holding on tight to whatever you can walk along with for stability. We are finding a bazillion things every day it seems that we have to say “No! Not that! Don’t eat that! Don’t pull that!” And you get SO mad! Holy cow! I know you just want to play and have fun, but we just want to do what’s best and protect you. You hear “no” a lot now too since you’re learning that mommy has something attached to her with a cord. You want to play with the box and buttons, and pull on the cord, to which I have to pry it out of your hand and tell you “no”. You don’t understand what it is or why you can’t have it right now, so you get upset. I promise, honey, I’ll explain everything as best as I can until you know what my pump is and why I have to have it.

You’re also being weaned off of baby food and formula to Almond milk and table food. It’s taken me hours and hours to research this choice, but I believe that it’s the best for you. I’ve read too much about soy and it’s possible effects on the endocrine system, plus it’s already ingrained and infiltrated into too many products as it is now, so I don’t feel safe with you also drinking it.

Some good news on the dairy front is you seem to be starting to outgrow your dairy allergy, or at least be able to tolerate dairy a bit better. This past week was your Papa-T’s birthday, and out of curiosity, we let you have some cake without the icing. You absolutely loved it. We cautiously watched and waited for the vomit fest that we were sure would ensue within a few minutes… but it didn’t. You did break out in a patch of hives on your belly and chest area, but they went away very quickly after using your medicine on the area. Your dad and I were so happy! Our worries about your birthday cake and future parties eased a bit knowing that though you still had a reaction, it wasn’t a terrible one like you’ve had before. We’ve tried it again since then, and same thing – a few hives, but no vomiting. You’ve had uncooked diary as well, but that was a definite no-go, so it seems if you do have any dairy, it must be baked. And that’s progress! Your cake for your party will still be diary-free just because we don’t want to take any chance at all on your big day.

My baby, you’ll never know what a blessing you have been to me and your dad. We’ve been through SO much already together. We never knew what a challenge this would be when we brought you home, but that doesn’t change one ounce of the way we feel about your or the amount of love we have for you. God has blessed us with the most precious thing we could ever imagine.

You are my heart… my breath… my world.

I love you SO very much.

Always know that.

-Mommy

 

Parent Advice Needed

Okay, so this post is not about diabetes today. I know a lot of you guys out there are parents, so I’m hoping you can help me with something we have going on.

Two weeks ago, Kip had out-patient surgery to have ear tubes put in to hopefully relieve him of his recurring ear infections (he had 6 in 5 1/2 months). The surgery itself went fine, but it has changed him.

Before the surgery, he was a social kid. He didn’t care who he went to, if they wanted to hold him, that was okay. I never had a problem dropping him off at daycare outside of the first day. As long as his little playmate was there, he was cool as a cucumber and smiled back at me when I left. If we ever had to leave the room for any period of time (say, leave him in the play yard while I got ready in the morning), he would be okay.

Now? He’s so different. He bawls and pitches a fit when I leave him at daycare. He can’t stand for us to leave him in a play yard or his crib. This past weekend, we had gone out of town to a friend’s baby dedication and stopped of to get something to eat on the way home. Erik ordered him tea (I usually order water for him) and we gave it to him in his sippy cup. He didn’t go to sleep for hours! So, we thought to just let him go out on his own and put him in his crib and tried the “cry it out” method where you leave them for 5 minutes or so and go back to reassure them and check on them, and leave them for another 5 minutes. We’ve done it before (not exactly the cry it out, but more like play/whine yourself out method) to let him tire himself out as he wouldn’t cry, just whine some and play with his toys in his crib. It didn’t last any time. He coughs when he cries at times, so we didn’t think to rush right in. WRONG. His nerves were so on edge that he had actually vomited twice and commenced a third session just as we walked in the door. The look on his face was pure fear. I felt terrible. I handed him off to Erik to clean up while I cleaned up the room. Then, he started crying…. and stopped breathing. His little face started turning blue and we did everything we could think of to get him to breathe again. Scared the ever-living-shhh!!!## out of me. I blew in his face and he finally breathed in and cried harder.

Sidenote: Never again will I try that stupid “cry it out” method.

If he wakes up in the middle of the night, he won’t go back to sleep until he sees one of us. Sunday morning, he woke up at 5am and started crying. Scared we would have what happened the night before happen again since simply seeing us and us tucking him back in wouldn’t do, we did the big no-no and put him in the bed with us. Almost as soon as he laid down beside me, he curled up and went right back to sleep (but not before taking my pillow).

The only thing I can think that happened is he was upset when they took him from us to go back to the O.R.. I should have gone with my inside voice that was screaming at me to go with him and be there when he was put to sleep for the procedure, and to be there when they woke him up, but I didn’t. I didn’t think I was allowed since the option wasn’t given. He was screaming when I went down the hall to get him after the surgery. He was so upset, he was dry-heaving, even as we left. It’s like the whole thing flipped some sort of switch in his mind and now we can’t get him to unflip it.

I know that the “experts” are going to have a bazillion articles saying you have to let them learn. Leaving them alone isn’t going to hurt them. But this is my kid. I’m worried about what it will do to his mental state. I need to know techniques to get him comfortable with us leaving him without him going into a fit and getting scared. I’ve read the separation-anxiety articles, but most of those just seem to suggest they sort of gradually come to the realization that you’re not always there and get scared. This only happened after his surgery.

I need help. If you have any advice, please tell me.